Disclaimer: This particular post involves the subject of mental health, and might get a little dark. Apologies for that 🙇. Readers’ discretion is advised.
You lay in an open field. No colour, no sounds. Not hot, nor cold. You see nothing. The only sensation being the grass on your back. You wouldn’t say you feel comfortable. You wouldn’t say you really feel, actually.
But alas, it’s only ephemeral. Your alarm rings, taking you out of that quiet sanctuary. The real world is calling out to you.
Your basic human needs force you out of bed. You probably wouldn’t want to otherwise. Then, perhaps still on autopilot, you turn on the TV.
Of course, there’ll always be some kind of new tragedy somewhere in the world, greeting you. But do you really care a whole lot at this point? That really shouldn’t be the case…
You get ready for the day, the same old routine you’re so familiar with.
Time to put on your plastic smile and laughs that you’ve moulded to be so convincing, and make sure they hold up for the entire day. Wouldn’t want to dampen others’ moods now, do you?
Time to chase those goals you care little about. Pretend it’s all working out. Pretend it brings you joy and fulfilment. It’s the only way people, and expectations, would leave you alone.
Time to listen to others and their many problems. God forbid they listen to yours. But no, you’re not special, why should you be treated as such?
Filling your time with distractions, because dawn to dusk is a long time. Doing this, doing that. Listening to this, indulging in that. Exhausting yourself out, both mentally and physically.
All just excuses to keep your mind occupied. Because all you really want is to return to that quiet place. The feeling of being so light and at peace, without the weight of false perceptions.
You’d enjoy that, wouldn’t you? It’s like an addiction, drawing you in. Keeping yourself in there, away from here, away from everyone. Away even from those who try to mean well, but only cause you frequent aggravation. Not having to keep putting up a front, for the sake of “love”.
Maybe one day, not far from today, you once stated. 27 was the target you previously set, wanting to see what’s worth going for from there. That elusive number, made sinister by Shinee, Nirvana.
But no. You know about the red mist. You can’t allow it to descend where you’ve been retreating to, for so long. Perhaps show it some gratitude. Don’t let it turn into a catalyst for tragedy.
You’ve put yourself out there, even if alone for now. You’ve seen the beauty. Everyday now is an opportunity to be defiant.
Sneak in some light. Some flowers, some golden sunshine, some genuine bonds. All friendly deterrents, you’ve learnt to greatly appreciate.
Fill that place with these treasures you’ve found. A seed planted for every moment of positivity, with the warmth you dug so hard to find. From others to yourself. From yourself to others. From yourself to yourself.
Make it a beautiful garden. Give it more colours, more sounds, more life. Let that garden be where you seek shelter now, whilst encouraging you to grow alongside it. Not just for yourself, but those who can see it too, one day.
You’re still finding your way there, and that’s a gift in of itself. You’d want to be there to see the final product, you know you do. Makes everything worth staying, for a long, long time…
10.10.2025
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